Can you die of embarrassment?

Apparently so, although cases are rare.

One, published in the British Medical Journal for 1860, concerned a housemaid who was caught red-handed while filching food from a larder, and dropped dead on the spot. Doctors at the time were unable to discover why she had died, although it is likely that one cause would have been a sudden rush of adrenalin - the same rush that we experience in any situation of stress.
A less direct way to die from embarrassment is to fail to report an embarrassing medical condition until it's too late. A survey by BUPA found that embarrassment about bowel cancer could be costing thousands of lives a year. Another, published by Johns Hopkins University, found many young people in the US are dying prematurely of AIDS for a similar reason.

However, after watching the final of Celebrity Big Brother last night, i've come to the conclusion it's impossible to die of embarrassment. Because when a 53 year old drunken lush with serious delusions of grandeur and deep mental health issues wins for nothing more than revealing her breasts during a mental breakdown ........ well, if that didn't kill her, nothing will.

Manipulation.

Rising fuel prices. Over 400 tariffs to choose from. Government ministers looking into it.
Are they? Are they really?
An entire country in a state of confusion as to which is "really" the best option for them. And trust me when I say this, comparison websites are not your friend.

Then we have the anomaly of a petrol refinery in the south east of the country going bankrupt. What are the odds?
Supermarkets falling over themselves to increase the price of petrol and diesel, the national press falling over themselves to add in some fear factor to light the fuse to over consumption at the pumps.

Short term loan companies flooding my email boxes with offers of short term loans, some of which are over 1500%, some ridiculously higher. Who's behind these short term loan companies? Wouldn't be the banks would it? Surely not, but i'm guessing a paper trail leads back to the majority of them somewhere. I find it odd that I have a specific email address that is combined with my online banking activity, in the last 4 months it has been bombarded daily by two short term loan companies. Where did they get my email address? Doesn't take rocket surgery to work it out does it?

The whole of the economy is being manipulated by higher wealth. It's bad enough that the middle classes are constantly bearing the load for the rich and poor. Bailing out the banks, who, let's face it, don't need the money. As soon as we bailed them out, the money was set aside for shareholders who are on a first penny agreement. The banks have made lending almost impossible to small businesses and even more difficult to those in flourishing markets who need money for expansion. The banks are continuing to strangle growth in all markets, restricting the economy from any form of growth. Why? Well, believe it or not, they can then make money out of the situation in the stock markets.

But that's not the whole story is it?

While there is the mere possibility of pay-offs and backhanders, the Government suspiciously continues to back bad practices within the banking community. Odd when you see them arguing a bad practice on television, you can see the discomfort, but sometimes you've just got to take one for the team. Big business uses politicians like puppets and until the Government manages to cut its ties from hard lobbyists we'll continue to pay the price. Vince Cable .... when are you going to get your house in order?

It's not just banking though. It's across the board. Car insurance, energy prices, fuel prices, food prices, pressure on the farming community to produce more for less, the rail system (See Rail Track), mobile communications, broadband costs and the list goes on.......

There's a machine at the top keeping the rich, rich and the poor, poor.

Privately the population now has a lending debt of over one trillion pounds. At some point the bubble is going to burst and the riots we saw last Summer are going to look like a day out at the park in comparison to what's coming next.

At some point, even the dumbest of animals will bite back when it's constantly cornered. Personally, I say fuck the banks, don't pay them. Let them take it out of the bail out money you're paying for their bailout. Because to be brutally honest, why pay twice?

Who's in Charge?

I want to ask the question that's on everyone's lips.

"Who the fuck is in charge around here? Really, take a seat, i'd like to have a word."

I mean, come on. Last week after the Governments around Europe rallied around looking for pennies down the back of the sofa to bail out Greece, yet again the markets looked their worst for over 3 years. This has made everyone jittery, bankers running around like headless chickens trying to work out what to do to stop it in between trying to work out the next best way to embezzle what's left.

Greater minds think the whole thing is on the verge of collapse, an entire world economy trying to survive using a business model that's three quarters of a century old. It's looking entirely bleak. Some other great minds are aware of certain sections of investors trying to push the system into collapse which isn't taking much effort on their part, and no, this isn't some "Area 51" conspiracy theory we're talking about here, people who examine the intricacies of the stock market for a living have been observing this behaviour for some time and are powerless to do anything about it. Why? The economic banking structure and governments are tied together in some over complicated knot that has taken over 75 years to seal. The balance of economic power sits virtually equal between the banks and the worlds governments. In fact a better analogy would be to say the banks and the governments are sitting together in one giant game of Jenga right now, start pulling pieces out and the whole thing will collapse.

Last week the Conservatives held their annual party, still spouting that we're "All in this together." Well, i still think a lot of us are in it a lot more that others. It's easy to spout rhetoric about "Paying off your debts" when you have a wallet you carry around in a helicopter, it's a bit more difficult when you've just lost your job, or your job is on the chopping board.

Now. A solution to this intertwined problem of paying our debts and looming unemployment would be for the government to begin lending money to small businesses, cut a lot of the red tape the rest of the world doesn't have to endure and start seeding our "Jobs Garden." It's not rocket surgery and even to a small child with the I.Q. of your average Minister in Parliament it makes very good sense. However, in an act that can only be described and "Monumentally Retarded", last week Mervin King, head of the Bank of England decided to do a little more "Quantitive Easing."
£75 Billion pumped back into the economy to stave off another recession. If the solution to the problem is just to print more money, hell, i'll take £5 Million, i'm not greedy. Really, Paypal it to me and i'll set a new record on Ebay for spending within a 24 hour period.

Will it work? No. Why not? It didn't work 3 years ago when he pumped £200 million back into the economy. All it's doing is giving the banks something to try to grab back out of the economy, selling the tax payer crap bonds and bad debt. Does it help the small businessman trying to get investment? No, the banks will continue to hold onto what ever they have with a lead fist. The amount poured back into the economy in the UK was the equivalent of about £4500 per adult over the age of 18. The previous £200 Billion was about £17,000 per person over the age of 18 in "real terms." I'm pretty sure if people had that money in their pockets they would be spending it, not holding on to what in the long run is going to be worthless bits of paper "promising to pay the ...."
The economy would bloom more if people were spending, because let's face it, saving right now isn't worth the waste of time checking your bank account to look at the 0.5% you made last year on £300 you've been hanging on to in case of emergencies.

I recently looked at Ed Ball's 5 point plan. He's my local MP. I do wonder if anyone let's him choose what's for dinner in his home when he's not in the city. Really, how these retard's ever get as far as they do within Government really amazes me.

Anyway, i digress.
What's the upshot of all this?
We're fucked. With a giant "F" with all the trimmings.
For those that think the economy will find it's settlement point, forget it. 20 years ago, yes. 2011, no.

So, like i said, who's in charge? Could you please step forward, i have a slap across the face for you and a giant reality check.

My Little Guilty Pleasure.

They call him TechnoViking.
Nobody knows who he is.

Made this a couple of months ago............ getting more apt by the day.

As the number of unemployed school leavers rises.

A leading Government think tank member was quoted recently as saying " We've ran out of ideas of what to do with them. To be honest, the general concensus is to make them keep their bedrooms tidy and watch daytime t.v in an effort to depress them into finding work, even if it's a job at Mc Donalds or KFC."



In a recent street poll amongst 16-18 year old unemployed males in the Gloucester area, when asked what they were doing to find employment the top answer "Fuck off mush i'm carrying," only narrowly gained the top spot over " Hey chavy, is that an iPhone, can i have a look," which tied equal with "Lend us a quid".



John Beard from the National Insitute of Interfering said "Well, those polls only show that our teenage unemployed don't lack attitude, cunning or enterprise, but the problem remains. Maybe we she bring back National Service, didn't do my grandfather any harm. He died when he was 23 in the war, was never a burden on society financially and i'm guessing nobody ever saw him drunk on cheap cider on anyones street corner."

And it's not just the young men, young women seem to be struggling with the high unemployment issue too. Deborah Scabies ,16 and from Peckham decided to take matters into her own hands. "I got my boyfriend Clifton to get me pregnant innit. I wont be leaving school with any qualifications or job prospects, so i've decided to be a single mum. Looking at the jobs market out there it was a easy choice and a few of my mates are doin it too, except for Danni, she's goona struggle 'cause she's got chlamydia innit."



So, there we have it.

HEAD OF RECRUITMENT.mp4

A Product Review.

It's not often I lose my temper with technology. OK,that's a lie. It happens daily. For example, before Christmas I treated myself to a new keyboard, the Logitech Wave. It's meant to be perfect for writers or people that produce a lot of copy. Yes, I got that from their website, but hey, I did my homework. I went on other websites to find reviews, and this keyboard came out tops in every review.

I want to go on record now and say it. "You lying Fuckers."

This keyboard in the space of 2-3 months as removed my ability to spell, cost me more time than you can imagine correcting missed keylogs, I spent hours trying to configure the special keys, none of which worked with any of the drivers it came with or the drivers I downloaded from Logitechs website which mainly changed the format for foreign keyboards, which once you're in a foreign format makes it a fucker to get back out of. Its pretty impossible when you can't use your "@" key.

To be frank, it went out of it's way to do fuck all I wanted it to do. And in that I realised something, that fucking keyboard was part of a small gang of technology that surrounds me on a daily basis that refuses to do as it's told. For example, lets look at my Kodak printer, the latest in a line of printers i've gone through over the years that after a while decides it's not going to put up with my demands any more and would rather go live in the garage. My latest printer sometimes refuses to print, it sometimes refuses to connect via wifi, it sometimes tells me it's out of ink, and when I check, a lack of ink isn't an issue. It sulks, it acts like a 14 year old boy. Yesterday I decided to print out 4 pages of copy for something i've been writing, this took me 2 hours, I could've written it by hand in that time. Firstly it refused to admit it had any paper in the tray, the bloody thing was at the side of me, so I knew it was lying. Next it decided to take 3 pieces of paper at one time and then decided it had bitten off more than it could chew. So, it was down to me to get it out. So, after I had removed the paper from its guts I pressed "Print" again. It then told me again it had no paper in it's tray. Lying shitbag. I could see it had at least 10 sheets, if it had eyes it could see I was sat next to it. After a bit of slapping around, a few more hits of the "Print" button , some more choking on fresh paper it eventually decided to give up and print the fucking pages.

It's not good. I have a stereo that refuses to find the wifi in the house, where nearly every other gadget in house is linked to it. I have a landline that refuses to take every message, just the odd one. Why? It's a fucking phone, that's it's job. Whats wrong with it? It's not like it's too fucking busy to take a message is it........

Yes, tech hates me, but I've found one thing that that seems to fix it. Hate it back, give it a good beating. 9 times out of 10 it fixes all tech ills.

Sometimes, you're best off avoiding the spin and having a smile.

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Ooops.

Well, yesterday I took a day off from my diet and decided to order a pizza from Domino's . Pepperoni Passion, large on a Dominator base...... because that's the way I roll.
When I finished choosing my pizza I was directed to payments where it asked , "Any special delivery instructions?"
Yes after last times ruination of my order when the sent me a bottle of diet drink instead of something with sugar in it.

So, I left a message in the box and pressed send.

"Please dont send me diet cock like last time." Freuds revenge or a genuine spelling error, you decide.

Snap

The Bank of England's governor Mervyn King reckons it's going to be a bleak foreseable future for us, here, on our fair isle.A mixture of low pay rises, higher percentage rate increases are going to squeeze us that little bit harder. So, the price of things are going up, and we have less money to pay for them. O.K? With me so far?

Now, that's stating the obvious a bit, so lets just add in some other things to the mix.
* A tightening on council spending with massive reductions across the board.
* Pay freezes across the public sector.
* Increases in the price of gas, electric, petrol and diesel.
* Food price increases and the increase of VAT to 20%.
* Benefits cuts and cuts to Social Care.

A lot of this was mentioned last year and in true British style we chose to ignore it 'til it landed and we would deal with it then. Well, it's landed.
And don't think the interest on your savings are going to help you either. Walking past a well know building society the other day the window proudly boasted " Tax Free Savings". Great. Tax Free on just over 1%, where do I sign up. Let's be honest, we're better off keeping it under the matress, it's safer there.
So, most of us are going to struggle to make ends meet. I can live with that.
What I can't live with is a certain group of people who's ends meet like a mother fucker, yes, i'm talking about "Bankers."

We need to face up to the fact that while on the surface it looks like the government has a hand over them, it's also a fact the the hand they have over them is open and awaiting handouts.
An evil we are told is a neccessary one. Is it? Are you sure?
Let's face it, the banking industry is nothing more than a money making club, all based on a pyramid scheme. (Pyramid Schemes being illegal in any other industry)
I don't fear the banking industry fucking off abroad for one minute. 8 months after Vince Cable promised to get the banking fraternity back to lending to small businesses nothing as happened and it's business as usual at HSBC, Lloyds, Barclays, Royal Wank of Scotland et al where a couple of weeks ago it was disclosed that the multi billion pound bonus culture was still alive and kicking, and where it couldn't be circumnavigated, wage increases were put in place.
And what are they getting bonuses for? Yeah, you know.

Do you remember the riots that spread across the country in the 80's?
Well, they're going to be making a comeback over the next year or so.
And don't think they're going to be like the old word of mouth and printed leaflet affairs back then, oh no, they're so last century. This time around they'll be organised on facebook and twitter and I fear more than a smashing of windows and the odd fire in the street will be on the agenda.

But don't worry, the frontline services won't be there to stop you, they're facing cuts too. In fact, this time around you may be standing side by side with a police officer, an ambulance driver or a fireman. All have seen their work conditions and wages change drastically over the past few years.

So, at what point are you going to Snap?

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The Free Lunch

So,here's the thing.

You build your social network, it's free, has no advertising, no malware, virus's, idiots and did I mention it was for free? FREE............ just in case you didn't hear me at the back. "But why is it free? How do you make your money?" they ask.
"Well", I reply, "i'm not in it for the money".
And then it goes quiet.................. "I don't get it, why would it be free? Is it a scam? How does it make money to support itself?"

And here lies the biggest problem facing anyone trying to build an independant social network and promoting it to people they don't know, or at least, don't know them.
People always cite Facebook, because they "trust" Facebook and "Facebook is free." Is it? It's so far from being a Free Lunch it's shocking.
Even getting people to look at your site before they join is a problem. People just don't trust links to sites unless it's something they've come across themselves. It has a "spam" feel to it, or they just feel like they are being cohersed.

So, I set up a Facebook Fanpage to promote my site.
Does it work? NO. I have more people on my Fanpage than my Network, why? I have no idea.
The fanpage is updated daily, do they jump on board? No. ( In my head i'm screaming "It's fr*ggin' free, what's the problem?")
Do those on the site use it? Yes, daily and they love it.
Can they get friends to join? No.
Why? the just have trust issues with sites that aren't Facebook or it's just a monumental effort to join. It must be.

So, while i'm on a roll, here's another point i've noticed.

My last site was a pay site, it was on Social Go. (This was until Social Go decided to go mental, introduce a new "Activity Feed" which didn't actually let you know when something was happening in the Groups, and the site thrived on it's Group Activity and it died a nasty death.)
Initially, the site was free. People would join up, post nude pics of themselves, treat members like they owned them and just generally gave me a lot of work to do.
So, I flipped it to being a pay site.
For the sake of less than a £1 a month fee, it killed that behaviour dead overnight.
The site became self moderating, it ran a nice little profit and all was good.
Yes I lost over half my members, but happily it was the members the site didn't want.

The moral of this is if someone pays for something, they look after it, if it's for free, they treat it like it's free.

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Save the planet, have a wank.

In the late 1960's the planets population was approx 3.8 billion people. As of the end of this year it's estimated the planets population will be around the 7 billion people mark. Now, in my lifetime the amount of men , women and celebrities on this planet has doubled.

DOUBLED.

So, that's another 3.5 billion people to feed, clothe, house and find jobs for.
It's also a stress on the world economy.
In 1893 and again in the 1920's/1930's America had to battle its way out of 2 depressions. Mass unemployment, a weak dollar and some bad years for the farming community led to some dark years for the old US of A. Hoovervilles (Shanty towns named after president Hoover) sprung up all over America, hnger marches became common place and if it hadn't of been for the intervention of some of the countries biggest industrialists they may still be in the shit now, the economists at the time failing to find a solution to the problem.

And the Yanks weren't the only ones in the shit.
Here in England we were having it a bit rough too as was the rest of the world.
The problem with economics is this, the models on which the economy bases itself is a constantly changing animal, the minute you think you have it sussed the goalposts move and as any economist will tell you, the biggest mover is the population where in you can predict what it is, but not on how it will impact everything else.

Forget asteroids hitting us, forget natural disasters, forget Simon Cowell. THE biggest threat to this little ball we live on at this moment in time is over population. The damage it causes is far reaching, affecting not only the economy, but food resources, the rapid consumption of fossil fuels and the mass depleation of the rain forests. All this to feed, clothe, house and add a box and napkin to your McDonalds family meal.
By 2050, the time that your babies will be my age now, it's estimated that the world population will be around 10 billion. Fossil fuels will be depleated, and I fear we are going to enter a new dark era of depression.  One that makes the depressions before look like playtime, because when the oil's gone it's going to be a whole new world of struggle I assure you. What we need is time to let the scientists to catch up with a solution to a replacement to fossil fuels, one that's economical and sustainable because at the rate were going it's going to run out quicker than anybody thought.

So, next time the misses gets a bit broody and mentions having another window licker to keep her company along with the other two, stop, think and have a wank.

For now, it may just give us the time we need to breathe. Forget going green, go white.

Trust me, it's going to save the planet in the long run.

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Can I help you?

Now, there can't be much worse than returning to your car to find that someone is trying to steal it. And if you're feeling pretty helpless because you don't know what to do, or are scared, your only option is to ring 999.

But.............................. not in Seattle.

In Seattle they have Phoenix Jones.

Recently he came to the aid of a chap who only wanted to be identified as "Dan" when he was in such a predicament. Say's Dan, 'This guy comes dashing in, wearing this skin-tight rubber, black and gold suit, and starts chasing him away.'

He also admitted to not wanting to own up to this encounter to his friends just in case they thought he was pissed at the time.

Phoenix Jones believe it or not, works in a comic shop. Yep, he's a cliche. He's also not alone with his crime fighting pals , Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope.

This group of masked vigliantes are known to the Seattle police too

Police department spokesman Jeff Kappel said: 'There's nothing wrong with citizens getting involved with the criminal justice process - as long as they follow it all the way through.'

Phoenix has pointed out though that this isn't something that everybody should be doing. Oh no.

'Everyone on my team either has a military background or a mixed martial arts background, and we're well aware of what it costs to do what we do'

He also added that they had informed the local police to ignore Captain Ozone and the Knight Owl becuse they're not part of his little band of Merry Men. Obviously splitters.

And dont let the suit fool you. It incorporates a kevlar vest and high impact trauma padding around sensitive areas, he also carries a Tazer stun bar which looks like a cattle prod, some Mace and is probably armed with some pretty well rehearsed quips.

I think it's great. Well great until one of these vigilantes gets shot in the face.

But here's the thing, at least they're standing up for something, fighting to clean up their community and in that i applaud them. Even if it's a bit of self serving publicity. Even if they end up on Good Morning America. I still think it's a good thing.

Yesterday I helped one of my old age pensioner neighbours in with her shopping. And I held the door open for someone at the barbers.

Maybe there's a bit of Superhero in all of us.

Only difference is, i'm not going to dress up like a cunt to be one. And neither should you.

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The story of Ug.

The story of Ug.

Imagine the scene. It’s 260,000 years ago, and you’re on the hunt for a girlfriend, or in those days someone to procreate with. World population is around the 800,000 mark of what is considered your species. Let’s say half of that number is as near to female as you’re likely to get so that narrows down the date situation a little. So, you’re a bit Neanderthal but in your eyes, you’ve got everything going for you, own cave, own spear collection and a mate called Ig that keeps going on about this bloody “wheel” Idea he’s had, say’s it’s going to revolutionise farming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ( Yes, I know when the first wheels started to appear, are you telling this story or me?)

So, you’re an upbeat Neanderthal around the village, wear the latest skins, got one of those new flint spear heads, as much meat as you can eat, in fact, you’re bloody sick of meat, but you’re not too keen on greens and you prefer the high protein diet, keeps you looking good. Just need someone to invent gravy, that’s all. Right, what you need now is a bird, someone to keep the cave clean, maybe have a few little Ugs and settle down. In fact, you read on the cave wall somewhere that there might be an Ice age coming, so, better get on with it.

Now, there is the little problem of what is considered dating. In recent times you’ve been back to using the club, bop on the back of the dates head and off you go. ( Think Rohypnol but leaves a lump on the back of the head.) So is it time to retire Mr Club and try a different tactic? Well, what’s to lose and of course, it’s going to be a long winter. So, what about that little tease you keep getting the eye from down at the camp fire? Ek. She’s lovely and going by the lack of bumps on the back of her head she must be single right? With that do you think she’s go for the old “Club and thump?” No, I don’t think so either. So, what are you going to do? No, put the big thigh bone down, it’s time for something new.

Ug sat down and had a good bloody think. Club bad, so, that’s the club out. Bone bad, so that’s the bone out. In fact you’ve never found a use for that thing, throw it away before it does someone a mischief. What else is there though? Strangle? Not the best idea, but then wait quarter of a million years and you’ll find people that will pay Ug for that kind of thing. Talking’s out of the question too, too much grunting and pointing. Then it suddenly dawned on him. Touch. He would see her down at the fire tonight and begin to touch her, maybe add in a few smiles, bit metrosexual, but hey, is this smiling thing so wrong?

That night Ug went down to the camp fire, togged up in his favourite furs, rubbed some meat fat into his hair and beard, rubbed some flowers into the skin causing a bit of a rash but did tone down the smell of body odour. Even put a small bone on some twine and hung it around his neck just like Uff, and Uff always had a woman in tow. Or was that was always towing a woman……. Usually by the hair. Spying Ek over by the fire she looked lovely, nice new furs, hair all tangled and matted, she looked the epitome of 260,000 years B.C. of chique. Strolling over he caught her eye, the wind was blowing up a bit and the fire was blazing away. She looked at him, looked straight into his eyes, then away, losing his gaze.

Within a few minutes he was in front of her, just a couple of feet away when she spoke out to him.

“Cloob?” Ug nodded. She smiled, no lumps on the back of her head tonight then, it’s a fear she hid from the other women, she didn’t want to come across as thinking she was better than the others, even though, deep down she thought she was. Ug stood behind her stroking her neck, playfully pulling her matted hair, touching her ears, sniffing her head. She seemed to respond favourably, this was good, but he could tell she was nervous and could see that she was looking around to see if Ug had hidden a club anywhere, She could certainly feel something hard in her back. She turned around and began to touch his face, sniffing his armpits, he smelled good and he knew he did.

“Uff” she screamed, and that was the last thing Ug remembered ‘til the next morning.

He awoke to one hell of what could only be described as today as a hangover. Feeling the back of his head, he felt a lump. Then he felt his backside, nope, all was ok , it hadn’t been an attack by Oooer, the weird one. Looking to the side he saw Ek. Reaching out he felt a bump on the back of her head. She turned, she didn’t look too good. Her clothes had been ripped off and she looked like she had been ravaged for half the night.

“Uff” she whispered.

It had been Uff. Uff had taken Ugs woman and ravaged her before he could. Nobody knew where Uff had come from, he had turned up at the village a few winters ago, alone, no father, no friends, he’d turned up alone. Ug rubbed the back of his head again. It was sore. He needed a word for this, he needed a new word for Uff and what he was, what he had done. Looking at Ek he could see a tear roll down her face. Poor Ek.

“B’stard” he roared, and promptly passed out.

Excerpt from Cheesegrater. Adventure in Internet Dating

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2012, Planet X and all that.

We're all going to die. All of us.
Apparently some reckon its going to be in 2012.
The Mayans and the Babylonians believed it.

Nancy Lieder believes it too. She was contacted by space aliens called Zetas who implanted a communication device in her head to let us know of our impending doom. Nobody so far has been able to find this communication device in here head or even the space aliens that put it there, but hey, who are we to disbelieve her?
Personally i'd have thought the Zetas would have been a lot more vocal in letting us know we're all going to snuff it, but maybe they're too busy wandering other planets with sentient lifeforms telling them they're all going to die too.

This was all meant to have happened in 2003 but many have revised the day of the coming of the planet to December 2012. Before or after Christmas nobody really knows, so some of you might want to leave getting Xmas presents 'til the last minute instead of idly wasting your time.

She even went on the radio in the US to try and convince people to have their pets put to sleep, also noting that a dog makes a good meal. (How she knows this I dont know, but suspect the space aliens told her this after sucking the blood out of a few cows and leaving them in a fields and moving on to Rex and Benjy for dessert.) When 2003 passed Lieder explained her radio interview was a "White lie to fool the establishment" but 1000's of Americans were up in arms after they had eaten Shep and Tiddles at Thanksgiving.

Many believers of the Planet X hypothisis accuse NASA of covering up our impending doom. Some bloke called Mike Brown now says that Nibiru is the most common pseudoscientific topic he is asked about.

<sup>So, what's the upshot of all this?
Well, either this planet is going to smash into the side of us and kill us all.
Or.
This planet is going to come so close to the Earth that it will stop our home rotating for nearly a week, cause a polar tilt and we all fall off and die.
Either way, we all die.
All this and Project Enoch. (Might want to Google that one)

Am I bothered about this in any way, shape or form?
Nope.
Why?
Well, if i'm going i'm leaving nobody behind, nor are you. I'm also not going to be eating my bloody dog either.

This is of course if any of this does happen.</sup>


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The Future of Social Networking.

Facebook may be starting to see a trend of users using its site less than they did before. Some of the most common reasons are-

Invasion of Privacy
Restrictive Practice
Slow practice of dealing with personal attacks
Protection of its Members

However, the most common reason seems to be its size.
Smaller Social Networking sites are beginning to thrive using different platforms such as Ning which now has various packages for various open Social Networking sites. Facebook makes its revenue from advertising and the selling of its data to various markets and last year made over a billion dollars. Thats how people pay for Facebook, it's not free, it's like selling your soul a little to gain access to its site.

Smaller sites like Fuzzies Playground are beginning to pop up, some using Adsense to pay their way, some charging to niche members an annual fee to pay for servers and bandwidth. These are becoming more and more popular due to the fact that memberships of these sites are controlable in ways that Facebook can only dream of.

Sites like Fuzzies Playground use Paypal to verify membership meaning that fake accounts and spammers are kept out of the site as are trolls and internet spoilers. People seem to forget that the internet is a pretty lawless place without many guidelines and in many views too little restriction.

Sites like this also tend to control their data one way, so anything data wise that comes in is kept in and not sold on to marketing companies which can only be good for its members. So, should we embrace these smaller sites or stick with the established giant that is Facebook? Well, Facebook has its place, it grows because of it's simplicity but more and more members are craving something a little more niche, little more sophisticated as they pass the Social Networking learning curve.

So, has Facebook had it's day? I very much doubt it. But, I do feel that big changes are due.

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One man has gone mad in Cumbria.

I guess it's some thing that say's something about us all, in fact i'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.......... a man has gone completely off his trolley in Cumbria and killed 12 people and injuring many others.

It's a sad, sad situation, but it is what it is.

The media however have a lot to answer for.
Initially brought into the fold by the police to make people aware of Derrick Bird's turkey shoot as he drove around looking for people to shoot at, sometimes randomly, sometimes heading for specific targets. I'm kind of surprised that the B.B.C. didn't manage to follow him live, constant shots of bodies covered in blankets just to bring the the whole horror live to your living room.
Interviews with anyone passing were beamed live into the living rooms of the old and very young off school over the half term period.

Was it sensationalised?
Of course it was, SKY News, B.B.C. and I.T.N. were falling over themselves to bring us the latest horror, the latest news of another blanket strewn body.
Was I drawn in by it all?
Of course I was, car crash t.v. brings in mass viewers, moreso if it's live.
On 9/11 i couldn't move from the t.v. just in case another raghead had managed to hijack another plane and managed to ground it the wrong way up in Disneyland.
Same with 7/7 bombings in London, I spent another day tied up with the main news channels watching not in horror but out of morbid curiosity the unfolding of another mass attempt at the taking of human life, live as it happened from the comfort and safety of my own living room.

So, what am I trying to say?
Well, just because the media can, should they sensationalise every single detail of these tragedies?
I wonder how the families feel seeing this unfold beamed around the world with no thought for them, not knowing if that's their wife, husband or child laying under that blanket, or on that plane/train or bus. Or even worse, knowing.

But then, that's the voice in your head telling you it's wrong to watch.
Problem is it that other voice telling you to sit there, horrified, because that real danger that's happening right in front of your eyes could be you and you just can't help but watch.
So, really, should we blame for the media for showing you the world as it is or you for watching it.

Top right hand button on the remote control = Off Button.

If theres is one upside to this tragedy and there shouldn't be, I was chatting to a prison warden I see daily when walking our dogs. He works at Wakefield Prison, they are currently holding Stephen Griffiths, the self monickered "Crossbow Killer".
"He's gone off on one because he's not the main topic of news, been going off on rants and refusing to eat."
Maybe the media could oblige. Instead of interviewing his neighbours who in comments that don't really come as a surprise described him as a "Loner" they should interview him, show the real horror of a man bent on outrageous, sadistic and often chilling murders.


Godspeed to all those souls who lost their lives on the 2nd of June.

Masturbating Teenagers

I can think of nothing worse than a moping, spotty, foul tempered, smelly, sexually frustrated, undriven, skint and often drunken teenager as an example of humanity. I really can't. Even cannibals, sex offenders and politicians have some kind of drive and use.
But a teenager with no job, no money and no prospects is a sad sight.

In the UK we have teenage unemployment at a near all time high, almost 20% of the age group 16-24 a number that has been steadily rising since 2002 and is still climbing.
Thats a lot of smelly feet, a lot of untapped energy. In short thats a lot of Masterbating Teenagers.
It also attributes to a lot of crime, including drug taking, mugging , anti-sociable behaviour, sex offences and even more masterbation.

So, what can we do with them?
The Labour government decided to try and make them all stay in higher education, withdrawing most of their benefits if they couldn't find employment. With the education system at breaking point and the low level of education kids get today, (Yes, i'll say it. Between Offsted sticking it's nose in, SATS and letting kids get away with murder in schools the expectation of what can and what should be taught has changed massively in the last 20 years. Bring back the cane, fuck it, it's the 21st century, give Teachers Tazer's, that'll make the little fuckers attentive when they get back up off the floor,) there arent many prospects for the "Young, Dumb and full of Cum" generations.

So, what do other countries do?
Austria, the Russians, Chinks, Mexicans, Norwegians, Greeks, Israeli's and even the Germans, (Dont mention the war, but to give them their due they're pretty good at getting people marching in a straight line) still have National Service in one form or another.
As far as I know none of these countries has serious anti-social problems with their young.
Nor in Sweden, South Korea or even Turkey that also still has compulsory Military Service.

The Conservative government is going to be rolling out a new scheme, National Citizen Service.
A scheme aimed at school-leavers and i'm guessing under achievers that have nothing to do with their time.

A few sound bites from David Cameron.

"'A lot of time and effort has gone into making it a reality - and I think it will be one of the proudest legacies of a future Conservative government.

''I want to see a programme which engages young people and gives them a sense of purpose, optimism and belonging. Something like National Service.

''Not military, not compulsory but universal and in the same spirit.

''A residential programme, so young people have time to live together, work together, play together. Time for them to get to know each other.

''And, most of all, time for them to develop as a person.

''It's going to mix young people from different backgrounds, different ethnicities and religions, in a way that doesn't happen right now. It's going to teach them what it means to be socially responsible by asking them to serve their communities.

''Above all it's going to help a generation of young people to appreciate what they can achieve. For themselves and by themselves. Gandhi put it beautifully, as he did so often: 'the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others'.''

He will add: ''We must all come together to do more about the national scandal of all this wasted promise. We owe it to the next generations.

''Our ambition is that over time, every 16-year-old will take part. This is about sowing the seeds of the Big Society - and seeing them thrive in the years to come.''

Does sound good doesn't it? Does it? I have to be honest, i'm not entirely sold, sounds like a big holiday sponsered by the tax payers to me, even more money being taken from the coffers to sponsor kids I dont have to do fuck all for a while. Saying that, they do say a change is as good as a rest, so it seems our young unemployed are going to go for a "rest" somewhere else. Fucking great.

I find that teenagers in a group become even more annoying, even more full of their self importance, sadly even smellier. Look at the outdoor music festivals. Groups of youngsters thrown together and in the end just do what they do at home, drink, take drugs, listen to music, avoid washing and fuck each other like Minks, aiding with the highest teenage pregnancy problem in Europe.

So, if you ask me, bring back proper National Service, even if it just teaches them some pride, something this country has long lacked, because in my view if this new initiative takes off were going to be paying through our taxes for more than a nice holiday for the young unemployed. If nothing else it'll teach the smelly fuckers how to keep themselves clean.

Dear Tories.

...sorry we spent all the money.

Have a nice Day.
New Labour.

Facebook

The sad fact is, I used to have a Facebook account.
I know, I know. Well, I know now.

I have a fair few friends who live their lives through Fuckbook and Twatter, updating their status everytime they have a piss or a cup of tea. They join groups like " John down the road is a cunt because he has a Mini" 33 members or "Spunk Floats" 45 members.
I had a few like "WankBreak" and

The Masterbation Appreciation Society

of which I was particularly proud. 64 members. Literally. Sadly has now been cloned by some spunk monkey that nicked my idea.
So, there you go, that pretty much seems to sum up Facebook. Or does it?
In between people tending to their digital farms, pets and having digital wars with other mafia factions there is something quite disturbing about the whole thing.
Lets leave the massive hole security issues for another blog because what I want to talk about is how Facebook changes the psychology of those that use it. I have one mate that has over 4000 friends on there. I'm pretty sure that out of that 4000+ he knows about 20 of them, the rest are digital avatars that tend to project a false projection of themselves to all that listen.
The nerds become Rambo's.
The poor become self employed.
The frigid become nympho's.

You can see where this is going can't you, doesn't need me to hammer it home by spelling it out.
And in that, it's not a good thing. At all.
Walter Mitty rules enough of the internet as it is, without getting his teeth into the semi real world that is the world's biggest social networking site.
The problem is, this new found bravado found by those is slowly seeping into the real world and people are actually beginning to believe what they've made themselves in cyberspace is pretty much what they are in the real world, and comments like "Dont fuck with me dickhead, i've got 2346 friends and you pick on me again and we'll start a group against you" are surely going to get you tied feet first to the back of a van and what's left boiled in a vat of hot piss.
It doesn't really transfer very well to the real world where I can guarantee when this happens your new found bravery is going to get you a nice, neatly packaged punch in the throat at the very least.

So, my advice, stop being self absorbed and get a life again, theres only so much masterbation and pretence that the internet can take.
It's not much better in the real world mind you, but look at it this way, you'll get some fucking fresh air and might not get the kickin' your new ego is setting you up for. That goes for you and your 400,000,000 friends. Meh.

What's on your mind?
Fuck you Facebook, that's what's on my mind.

Brokeback Beagle

I'm the proud owner of a Beagle. Yes I am.
I'm the proud owner of a, well, to put it bluntly a "Gay Beagle".
I've had my surrogate son now for nearly 3 years and in all that time he has brought me nothing but joy.

From the day I picked him up at 8 weeks and he managed to shit through a hole in the side of his transport cage and leave a smell so bad in the car I couldn't remove it, to the point where he began his lifelong struggle to eat the kitchen from the bottom up, chewing on the expensive oak cupboard doors to relieve either boredom or teething issues.

Oh yes, this inbetween "doing" his glands every few days on the sofa next to me which brings more than a tear to my eye to digging holes in the garden to bury anything from a bit of grass to a toy he's fallen out with. ( The whereabouts of a cuddly squirrel to this day is slowly becoming nothing more than a "cold case" although before it's dissapearance I did find a black plastic eye on the floor in the hallway and what looked to be a chewed plastic nose. Stan the squirrel is M.I.A.)

This morning I found the head of Elvis's toy meerkat, Compo at the top of the stairs, his hollowed out torso lay dormant in the kitchen over night, showing the scars of a battle lost, including a chewed up leg. To this day one of the few toys he still likes to play with is a plastic frog who I refer to as Dennis (Hopper) and has so far managed to make it through the last 2 years with nothing more than a deformed nose and a chewed bottom. But even Dennis knows, none of his toys are safe. Elvis runs his toy box with Hard Regime like selfishness and at any point during the day any toy could be plucked from silence into a world of Beagle nastiness only known to a certain few foxes that have survived the anger of a bored beagle.

But this is by the by.
Of late I have been delighted to find that Elvis has began to start cocking his leg rather than squatting for a pee. I became overjoyed that my boy was now growing up and his bad ways were slowly going to become a thing of the past.
Saying that, a new issue has become apparent.
Elvis isn't straight. Sexually. He's not even a bit metrosexual but in my eyes has become a full on cock-knocker, the beagle equivalent of Rock Hudson. It doesn't come as quite a shock though, everything my dog does seems to go against the grain, even his OCD patterns of distress when he's taking a piss in the garden. Maybe it's my fault for having his bits chopped off at 9 months, I dont know.

Well, he's gay, nothing to worry about then. Or so you'd think.
A few weeks ago we were in the park and Elvis was playing with one of the usual dogs that he runs around with when out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog mount the face of this Staffordshire Bull terrier called Manny, front legs wrapped around this poor dogs head so it couldn't move, until about 5 seconds later Elvis yelped with a sudden dismount of his victim and ran over to me as fast as he could. On closer inspection I found he had his foreskin slightly torn, all I could think was "Serves you right, it's not the done thing in public places".

So, off to El Vetto, the Spanish vet that treats Elvis.
"How he do this?"
Well, all I can say is Pedro found it highly fucking amusing, recounting a tale of a stray dog he knew in his old town that used to rape other male dogs, all of this really didnt make me feel any better, I felt even worse when the bill for 2 stitches and some anti-biotics came to nearly £200 so I neatly rounded up that number by purchasing Elvis a new cuddly victim for being a good boy when he was having his knob sewn back together.

Sat thinking about this the other day led me to this conclusion.
Do I love him any less? No.
Would I change him in any way at all? No.
Would I prefer not to pay £200 every time he mounts a dogs face?
Think that one goes without saying, don't you?

Zen and the art of Driving.

I used to love driving, I mean it was the be all and end all, it was a skillset to be proud of.
Spending Sundays with your friends, driving to the beach, into the city, fuck it, just parked up and talking shit, my car was a mobile fun machine, it took me to places i'd never been before, places I'd been to too many times, was a thing to talk about and a point of pride.
That was 20 years ago.

Now, sat here thinking about it, the joy hasn't just gone out of driving but car ownership full stop.
Ever higher fuel prices, roads where when you dodge one pothole you hit a bigger one and pay for the privilege. Cant park your car withing 300 metres of another car without some prick dinking your door.

When I passed my test over 20 years ago I could tell you what the meaning of every sign and the braking distances in the Highway Code.
Nowadays my old copy is as useful as a candyfloss cock.
Half the roads signs I see nowadays I haven't got a fucking clue what they mean.
Some i've seen a handful of times before, others spring up and I havent a clue, they go right over my head.

So, it never comes as a surprise to me when I see some young Turk hairing past me today only to realise that he's about to go 3 points heavy on his licence and to compensate for this impending problem brakes from 60 to 30 in the blink of an eye.
Today I saw the outcome of this when some idiot did this live and in living colour, in front of me and on ice.
His car didn't look too good after being hit by the car behind him and him hitting the car on the inside of him. Sadly, their cars also looked a bit worse for wear too.
Now, for the last half mile i'd seen the camera signs on the central reservation, obviously if Captain Saxo had of taken them seriously he'd still have a car without new found creases in.
My biggest surprise however is the fact that nobody was hurt or worse still ,killed.
I'm not a big fan of speed cameras, and this proves the my point that when your looking out for them whether you are speeding or not, your not totally concentrating on what you should really be doing, which is driving.
Today once again proved to me there's just no joy left in driving any more.

On a large enough time line, the survival rate for everyone will drop to zero. ~Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, Chapter 2

It's going to Snow.

Its going to snow, yippee.
Snow, white out and, according to one of Michael Fish's offshoots on the BBC we could see up to 10 centimetres in places.
Wow.
Snow.
Oh, it's going to snow.
Now, anywhere else in the Nothern Hemisphere when it snows the kids get excited, some getting time off school for "Snow Days" and adults reminisce back to their childhoods and the joys of making kiddy igloo's, snowball fights, sledging and learning 50 new ways to slide.
But in the UK it means as soon as the first flake hits the deck the country is going to come to a standstill.
The Pennines will be closed because the powers that be dont think we have the sense to to drive in snowy conditions.
Schools will close because they're not insured for your children to slip and slide around the playground just in case the fall and skuff a knee resulting in a claim for a million pound in damages.
The rail system will have to be shut down because the wrong kind of snow will have inevitably fallen on the track, and added with the wrong kind of leaves could spell disaster.
Billions of pounds will wiped off the economy because nobody will be able to leave their houses and shop for non essential items.
Those with non digital t.v.'s will lose their reception and no doubt power cuts will ensue as we put pressure on the Energy Companies as we turn up the heating and plug everything we own into the National Grid.
Even the clocks will stop.
And then, when you thought it was safe to leave the house because the sun had come out, the thawing will start.
The slush will become water and the subsequent flooding alerts will begin.

Meanwhile 600 miles away a group of so called World Leaders have decided to have a meeting about climate change and what to do about it.
Hell, even the Terminator has shown his face to have his thoughts noted on the subject. Seems like theres a new bandwagon in town and everyone who wants to have their photo taken with President Obama has come to town.
So, what's to be resolved?
Fuck all i'm guessing.
The Kyoto Protocol is long past it's sell by date and new measures have to be put in place for carbon reduction.
From what I can make out that means you and I have to use less of it.
Also from what I can make out big business will be able to "Buy" and "Sell" carbon offsets.
So, the middle class suffer again, we take the burden while those who have lots of money and no conscience get to buy their way out of the problem.

Let it snow, let it snow.......................let it snow.

Dude, wheres my parcel?

Royal Mail can trace its roots back to Henry VIII and the early 1500's but wasn't made available to the general serfs until about the middle of the 1630's by Charles the First and back then all postage was paid by the recipient. (Wouldn't be a bad idea bringing that back.)
Its gone through many transitions since then, from officially being the Post Office/GPO and in more recent times when the Bean Counters decided a rebrand was needed and changed the name to Consignia then Consignia Holdings and in one of the most expensive rebrands in British History albeit close to the same as when Burtons the high street clothing store decided to upbrand itself to Burton, losing the "s" with at least the latter not fucking around and sticking to there guns, the ideas men behind Consignia went back to Royal Mail.
Its comes as no surprise that being Government owned the P.O. haemoraged some major money over this fiasco, sorry, should read, "We" the tax payer did.
However, over the years we have been the envy of many a country with our fablulous postal system.
But that time is coming to an end slowly but surely.
In true 21st century Britain style were running it blindly into the ground, along with our badly run over priced Rail system.
Yesterday I sent a few parcels at the Post Office to some friends around the U.K. and was taken aback by a few of the options given to me, but the one that got my arse out the most was Insurance. Yes, Insurance.
In 2004 Royal Mail lost 14 plus Million letters and so many parcels they lost count.
How? How does such a well oiled machine lose that much mail? That many parcels?
It beggars belief.
"Whats the value of the item?" said the clerk.
"Well, about £150 in each parcel" i replied.
"You'll want insurance for those then?"
"Why?" i replied with a sarcastic tint.
"Well, just in case they get damaged or lost"
"Lost?"
"Could get lost in the post mate".
"Sorry," i replied, " your not exactly suggesting you may lose my parcels are you?"
"Well, happens more than you think".
"How?" i said in disbelief, hopefully not letting on that I already knew the answer.
"I dunno", he said. "They just get lost".
" As a matter of interest, will the parcels be delivered or will the recipients just get a note to pick the parcel up at the depot whether they are in or not?"
"Dont know what you mean sir."
"Thought you wouldn't".

So, the same company that not only didn't gear up for the online postal revolution, who unlike every other postal service on the planet or private delivery company didn't ensure it's longevity by taking steps to move with the times also loses parcels it's charged with delivering?
How shit is that?
Would this have happened if this was a privately owned company? Would it fuck.
Do we the consumer pay twice through tax and then postage fees because the Royal Mail is run by inept arseholes? Of course we do.
Do we entrust our parcels to be delivered even though Royal Mail still continues to employ unvetted, light fingered temps? Again of course we do.

Mainly because we have no choice.
However, in the near future dont be surprised to see your postman wearing an Orange uniform, TNT are thinking of moving into a lot of Royal Mails markets and admits it currently uses RM for some of its last mile deliveries.
And, on a final note, Her Madge might want to think about removing it's Royal Charter, lets face it, I dont think she'd want to be associated with such a bunch of idiotic trades union men and light fingered thieving cunts. Do you?

100 Items or Less.

Right, over the last year or so i've got into downsizing in a big way.
Everything from the house to the cars have all been downsized and probably not for the reasons your thinking.
I read an article last year about a guy who was trying to get out of the "things own you, not the other way around" race to own all the shit in the world that has the cheek to have a barcode on it.
This was a fabulous idea, time to get rid of the shit in my life that I had stored up over the last few years, never used or hid in the loft.
Being a big car nut, first thing to do was get down to one car. That was hard in itself but finally bit the bullet and gave up my prize Landrover Defender, keeping my mk2 Audi TT Roadster.
But this threw up another problem, I have a dog, how do I shuttle him about?
So, the TT went and I bought another 4x4.
Then I missed having a car so the 4x4 went and I bought a Porsche. Damn, this was getting to be a nightmare. Then I ended up back to square one and got rid of the Porsche, buying another 4x4 so I could move the dog around.
Then I missed having a car so bought a Golf Gti hoping that would do it, and for a while it has.
To date i've also got rid of a load of stuff on Ebay netting myself about £15,000 which has been banked. (Probably for the next time I change my car.)
So, my 100 item dream is at about the 280 item point now. This doesn't include clothing to a certain degree or white goods items like fridges or washing machines.
But I do have 3 x 50inch plus HI Def plasmas/LCD's, Xbox360/PS3 etc and now its getting to the point where if i'm going to follow this through I have to cut out some other luxuries.
My main issue at the moment is to go Mac or stick P.C.
Its a big deal. I write my Blog on my laptop, I keep my music and photo's on iLife on my Mac in my office.
All is not well.
As a lifestyle this forces you to make some serious decisions. Recently i've toyed with giving up my car and taking on biking everywhere and hiring a car when i need one. This negates issues like people damaging my car, parking fees, fuel, car tax and about 10 things you can't think of but I can.
Heres the thing though. Since I began this quest in the Summer, i've found myself getting frustrated by having to make these decisions, but once they were made it's such a load off, and more freeing than you can possibly imagine.

I can't tell you how much happier i've been since I made the decision to do this.
It's freed me up to think about so many other things, choose what's really important in my life and untie my mind from silly things like thinking about what to buy next. If I dont need it, I rarely browse for shit I dont need, and therefore do something far more interesting instead.

So, all I can say is take the first step of jumping out of the ratrace, sell the shit you dont need or dont use then take another look at your life.
You'll be happy you did.

Bring Back Hanging.

On the day it emerged that Tony Blair would have sent our troups into Iraq whether Suddam had WMD's or not, ( Really, I thought we went in to sit on the oil reserves, silly me) a more frightening story found itself wandering around the Associated Press.
It was revealed that a 12 year old boy, Joel Bradley from Liverpool had been allegedly caught selling a packet of Disco's, ( Circular Crisps) to another pupil at his school for 50p. Turns out the school in question, Cardinal Heenan High School isn't too keen on unhealthy eating during school hours, probably after being contacted by food molestor Jamie Oliver at some point. Eating lard out of tins and spooning margarine out of tubs 'til your heart pops is o.k. just as long as it isn't practised during school hours.
I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that this exact practice was where Dragons Den star Duncan Bannatyne started off before getting his first ice-cream van.
Joels father feels he is partly to blame for his sons heinous crime.
"I used to sell canned drinks, crisps and chocolate bars to kids from a van parked near the school." A right fucking crack dealer then.
Now, I'm not sure what's worse.
The school for nannying these poor children to the point where "Sweeties" become the new "Crack Cocaine", the fact that it was considered to be a suspendable offence or that Joel had marked his crisps up to 50p.
Or more to the point killing the spirit of enterprise in a young lad before he's even left school.
I'm wondering if they have healthy snack machines at this school? Many do.
Maybe that was the real issue at hand here.
On the day the ex Prime Minister nonchalantly admits he was responsible for the death of thousands for all the wrong reasons a young man under the education system the ex P.M. is also partially responsible for grinding into a state of statistics kills the spirit of another young chap.

Britain died a little more today and I'm becoming less and less proud of my country and what it stands for by the second.