Masturbating Teenagers

I can think of nothing worse than a moping, spotty, foul tempered, smelly, sexually frustrated, undriven, skint and often drunken teenager as an example of humanity. I really can't. Even cannibals, sex offenders and politicians have some kind of drive and use.
But a teenager with no job, no money and no prospects is a sad sight.

In the UK we have teenage unemployment at a near all time high, almost 20% of the age group 16-24 a number that has been steadily rising since 2002 and is still climbing.
Thats a lot of smelly feet, a lot of untapped energy. In short thats a lot of Masterbating Teenagers.
It also attributes to a lot of crime, including drug taking, mugging , anti-sociable behaviour, sex offences and even more masterbation.

So, what can we do with them?
The Labour government decided to try and make them all stay in higher education, withdrawing most of their benefits if they couldn't find employment. With the education system at breaking point and the low level of education kids get today, (Yes, i'll say it. Between Offsted sticking it's nose in, SATS and letting kids get away with murder in schools the expectation of what can and what should be taught has changed massively in the last 20 years. Bring back the cane, fuck it, it's the 21st century, give Teachers Tazer's, that'll make the little fuckers attentive when they get back up off the floor,) there arent many prospects for the "Young, Dumb and full of Cum" generations.

So, what do other countries do?
Austria, the Russians, Chinks, Mexicans, Norwegians, Greeks, Israeli's and even the Germans, (Dont mention the war, but to give them their due they're pretty good at getting people marching in a straight line) still have National Service in one form or another.
As far as I know none of these countries has serious anti-social problems with their young.
Nor in Sweden, South Korea or even Turkey that also still has compulsory Military Service.

The Conservative government is going to be rolling out a new scheme, National Citizen Service.
A scheme aimed at school-leavers and i'm guessing under achievers that have nothing to do with their time.

A few sound bites from David Cameron.

"'A lot of time and effort has gone into making it a reality - and I think it will be one of the proudest legacies of a future Conservative government.

''I want to see a programme which engages young people and gives them a sense of purpose, optimism and belonging. Something like National Service.

''Not military, not compulsory but universal and in the same spirit.

''A residential programme, so young people have time to live together, work together, play together. Time for them to get to know each other.

''And, most of all, time for them to develop as a person.

''It's going to mix young people from different backgrounds, different ethnicities and religions, in a way that doesn't happen right now. It's going to teach them what it means to be socially responsible by asking them to serve their communities.

''Above all it's going to help a generation of young people to appreciate what they can achieve. For themselves and by themselves. Gandhi put it beautifully, as he did so often: 'the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others'.''

He will add: ''We must all come together to do more about the national scandal of all this wasted promise. We owe it to the next generations.

''Our ambition is that over time, every 16-year-old will take part. This is about sowing the seeds of the Big Society - and seeing them thrive in the years to come.''

Does sound good doesn't it? Does it? I have to be honest, i'm not entirely sold, sounds like a big holiday sponsered by the tax payers to me, even more money being taken from the coffers to sponsor kids I dont have to do fuck all for a while. Saying that, they do say a change is as good as a rest, so it seems our young unemployed are going to go for a "rest" somewhere else. Fucking great.

I find that teenagers in a group become even more annoying, even more full of their self importance, sadly even smellier. Look at the outdoor music festivals. Groups of youngsters thrown together and in the end just do what they do at home, drink, take drugs, listen to music, avoid washing and fuck each other like Minks, aiding with the highest teenage pregnancy problem in Europe.

So, if you ask me, bring back proper National Service, even if it just teaches them some pride, something this country has long lacked, because in my view if this new initiative takes off were going to be paying through our taxes for more than a nice holiday for the young unemployed. If nothing else it'll teach the smelly fuckers how to keep themselves clean.

Dear Tories.

...sorry we spent all the money.

Have a nice Day.
New Labour.

Facebook

The sad fact is, I used to have a Facebook account.
I know, I know. Well, I know now.

I have a fair few friends who live their lives through Fuckbook and Twatter, updating their status everytime they have a piss or a cup of tea. They join groups like " John down the road is a cunt because he has a Mini" 33 members or "Spunk Floats" 45 members.
I had a few like "WankBreak" and

The Masterbation Appreciation Society

of which I was particularly proud. 64 members. Literally. Sadly has now been cloned by some spunk monkey that nicked my idea.
So, there you go, that pretty much seems to sum up Facebook. Or does it?
In between people tending to their digital farms, pets and having digital wars with other mafia factions there is something quite disturbing about the whole thing.
Lets leave the massive hole security issues for another blog because what I want to talk about is how Facebook changes the psychology of those that use it. I have one mate that has over 4000 friends on there. I'm pretty sure that out of that 4000+ he knows about 20 of them, the rest are digital avatars that tend to project a false projection of themselves to all that listen.
The nerds become Rambo's.
The poor become self employed.
The frigid become nympho's.

You can see where this is going can't you, doesn't need me to hammer it home by spelling it out.
And in that, it's not a good thing. At all.
Walter Mitty rules enough of the internet as it is, without getting his teeth into the semi real world that is the world's biggest social networking site.
The problem is, this new found bravado found by those is slowly seeping into the real world and people are actually beginning to believe what they've made themselves in cyberspace is pretty much what they are in the real world, and comments like "Dont fuck with me dickhead, i've got 2346 friends and you pick on me again and we'll start a group against you" are surely going to get you tied feet first to the back of a van and what's left boiled in a vat of hot piss.
It doesn't really transfer very well to the real world where I can guarantee when this happens your new found bravery is going to get you a nice, neatly packaged punch in the throat at the very least.

So, my advice, stop being self absorbed and get a life again, theres only so much masterbation and pretence that the internet can take.
It's not much better in the real world mind you, but look at it this way, you'll get some fucking fresh air and might not get the kickin' your new ego is setting you up for. That goes for you and your 400,000,000 friends. Meh.

What's on your mind?
Fuck you Facebook, that's what's on my mind.

Brokeback Beagle

I'm the proud owner of a Beagle. Yes I am.
I'm the proud owner of a, well, to put it bluntly a "Gay Beagle".
I've had my surrogate son now for nearly 3 years and in all that time he has brought me nothing but joy.

From the day I picked him up at 8 weeks and he managed to shit through a hole in the side of his transport cage and leave a smell so bad in the car I couldn't remove it, to the point where he began his lifelong struggle to eat the kitchen from the bottom up, chewing on the expensive oak cupboard doors to relieve either boredom or teething issues.

Oh yes, this inbetween "doing" his glands every few days on the sofa next to me which brings more than a tear to my eye to digging holes in the garden to bury anything from a bit of grass to a toy he's fallen out with. ( The whereabouts of a cuddly squirrel to this day is slowly becoming nothing more than a "cold case" although before it's dissapearance I did find a black plastic eye on the floor in the hallway and what looked to be a chewed plastic nose. Stan the squirrel is M.I.A.)

This morning I found the head of Elvis's toy meerkat, Compo at the top of the stairs, his hollowed out torso lay dormant in the kitchen over night, showing the scars of a battle lost, including a chewed up leg. To this day one of the few toys he still likes to play with is a plastic frog who I refer to as Dennis (Hopper) and has so far managed to make it through the last 2 years with nothing more than a deformed nose and a chewed bottom. But even Dennis knows, none of his toys are safe. Elvis runs his toy box with Hard Regime like selfishness and at any point during the day any toy could be plucked from silence into a world of Beagle nastiness only known to a certain few foxes that have survived the anger of a bored beagle.

But this is by the by.
Of late I have been delighted to find that Elvis has began to start cocking his leg rather than squatting for a pee. I became overjoyed that my boy was now growing up and his bad ways were slowly going to become a thing of the past.
Saying that, a new issue has become apparent.
Elvis isn't straight. Sexually. He's not even a bit metrosexual but in my eyes has become a full on cock-knocker, the beagle equivalent of Rock Hudson. It doesn't come as quite a shock though, everything my dog does seems to go against the grain, even his OCD patterns of distress when he's taking a piss in the garden. Maybe it's my fault for having his bits chopped off at 9 months, I dont know.

Well, he's gay, nothing to worry about then. Or so you'd think.
A few weeks ago we were in the park and Elvis was playing with one of the usual dogs that he runs around with when out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog mount the face of this Staffordshire Bull terrier called Manny, front legs wrapped around this poor dogs head so it couldn't move, until about 5 seconds later Elvis yelped with a sudden dismount of his victim and ran over to me as fast as he could. On closer inspection I found he had his foreskin slightly torn, all I could think was "Serves you right, it's not the done thing in public places".

So, off to El Vetto, the Spanish vet that treats Elvis.
"How he do this?"
Well, all I can say is Pedro found it highly fucking amusing, recounting a tale of a stray dog he knew in his old town that used to rape other male dogs, all of this really didnt make me feel any better, I felt even worse when the bill for 2 stitches and some anti-biotics came to nearly £200 so I neatly rounded up that number by purchasing Elvis a new cuddly victim for being a good boy when he was having his knob sewn back together.

Sat thinking about this the other day led me to this conclusion.
Do I love him any less? No.
Would I change him in any way at all? No.
Would I prefer not to pay £200 every time he mounts a dogs face?
Think that one goes without saying, don't you?