The story of Ug.

The story of Ug.

Imagine the scene. It’s 260,000 years ago, and you’re on the hunt for a girlfriend, or in those days someone to procreate with. World population is around the 800,000 mark of what is considered your species. Let’s say half of that number is as near to female as you’re likely to get so that narrows down the date situation a little. So, you’re a bit Neanderthal but in your eyes, you’ve got everything going for you, own cave, own spear collection and a mate called Ig that keeps going on about this bloody “wheel” Idea he’s had, say’s it’s going to revolutionise farming. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ( Yes, I know when the first wheels started to appear, are you telling this story or me?)

So, you’re an upbeat Neanderthal around the village, wear the latest skins, got one of those new flint spear heads, as much meat as you can eat, in fact, you’re bloody sick of meat, but you’re not too keen on greens and you prefer the high protein diet, keeps you looking good. Just need someone to invent gravy, that’s all. Right, what you need now is a bird, someone to keep the cave clean, maybe have a few little Ugs and settle down. In fact, you read on the cave wall somewhere that there might be an Ice age coming, so, better get on with it.

Now, there is the little problem of what is considered dating. In recent times you’ve been back to using the club, bop on the back of the dates head and off you go. ( Think Rohypnol but leaves a lump on the back of the head.) So is it time to retire Mr Club and try a different tactic? Well, what’s to lose and of course, it’s going to be a long winter. So, what about that little tease you keep getting the eye from down at the camp fire? Ek. She’s lovely and going by the lack of bumps on the back of her head she must be single right? With that do you think she’s go for the old “Club and thump?” No, I don’t think so either. So, what are you going to do? No, put the big thigh bone down, it’s time for something new.

Ug sat down and had a good bloody think. Club bad, so, that’s the club out. Bone bad, so that’s the bone out. In fact you’ve never found a use for that thing, throw it away before it does someone a mischief. What else is there though? Strangle? Not the best idea, but then wait quarter of a million years and you’ll find people that will pay Ug for that kind of thing. Talking’s out of the question too, too much grunting and pointing. Then it suddenly dawned on him. Touch. He would see her down at the fire tonight and begin to touch her, maybe add in a few smiles, bit metrosexual, but hey, is this smiling thing so wrong?

That night Ug went down to the camp fire, togged up in his favourite furs, rubbed some meat fat into his hair and beard, rubbed some flowers into the skin causing a bit of a rash but did tone down the smell of body odour. Even put a small bone on some twine and hung it around his neck just like Uff, and Uff always had a woman in tow. Or was that was always towing a woman……. Usually by the hair. Spying Ek over by the fire she looked lovely, nice new furs, hair all tangled and matted, she looked the epitome of 260,000 years B.C. of chique. Strolling over he caught her eye, the wind was blowing up a bit and the fire was blazing away. She looked at him, looked straight into his eyes, then away, losing his gaze.

Within a few minutes he was in front of her, just a couple of feet away when she spoke out to him.

“Cloob?” Ug nodded. She smiled, no lumps on the back of her head tonight then, it’s a fear she hid from the other women, she didn’t want to come across as thinking she was better than the others, even though, deep down she thought she was. Ug stood behind her stroking her neck, playfully pulling her matted hair, touching her ears, sniffing her head. She seemed to respond favourably, this was good, but he could tell she was nervous and could see that she was looking around to see if Ug had hidden a club anywhere, She could certainly feel something hard in her back. She turned around and began to touch his face, sniffing his armpits, he smelled good and he knew he did.

“Uff” she screamed, and that was the last thing Ug remembered ‘til the next morning.

He awoke to one hell of what could only be described as today as a hangover. Feeling the back of his head, he felt a lump. Then he felt his backside, nope, all was ok , it hadn’t been an attack by Oooer, the weird one. Looking to the side he saw Ek. Reaching out he felt a bump on the back of her head. She turned, she didn’t look too good. Her clothes had been ripped off and she looked like she had been ravaged for half the night.

“Uff” she whispered.

It had been Uff. Uff had taken Ugs woman and ravaged her before he could. Nobody knew where Uff had come from, he had turned up at the village a few winters ago, alone, no father, no friends, he’d turned up alone. Ug rubbed the back of his head again. It was sore. He needed a word for this, he needed a new word for Uff and what he was, what he had done. Looking at Ek he could see a tear roll down her face. Poor Ek.

“B’stard” he roared, and promptly passed out.

Excerpt from Cheesegrater. Adventure in Internet Dating

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2012, Planet X and all that.

We're all going to die. All of us.
Apparently some reckon its going to be in 2012.
The Mayans and the Babylonians believed it.

Nancy Lieder believes it too. She was contacted by space aliens called Zetas who implanted a communication device in her head to let us know of our impending doom. Nobody so far has been able to find this communication device in here head or even the space aliens that put it there, but hey, who are we to disbelieve her?
Personally i'd have thought the Zetas would have been a lot more vocal in letting us know we're all going to snuff it, but maybe they're too busy wandering other planets with sentient lifeforms telling them they're all going to die too.

This was all meant to have happened in 2003 but many have revised the day of the coming of the planet to December 2012. Before or after Christmas nobody really knows, so some of you might want to leave getting Xmas presents 'til the last minute instead of idly wasting your time.

She even went on the radio in the US to try and convince people to have their pets put to sleep, also noting that a dog makes a good meal. (How she knows this I dont know, but suspect the space aliens told her this after sucking the blood out of a few cows and leaving them in a fields and moving on to Rex and Benjy for dessert.) When 2003 passed Lieder explained her radio interview was a "White lie to fool the establishment" but 1000's of Americans were up in arms after they had eaten Shep and Tiddles at Thanksgiving.

Many believers of the Planet X hypothisis accuse NASA of covering up our impending doom. Some bloke called Mike Brown now says that Nibiru is the most common pseudoscientific topic he is asked about.

<sup>So, what's the upshot of all this?
Well, either this planet is going to smash into the side of us and kill us all.
Or.
This planet is going to come so close to the Earth that it will stop our home rotating for nearly a week, cause a polar tilt and we all fall off and die.
Either way, we all die.
All this and Project Enoch. (Might want to Google that one)

Am I bothered about this in any way, shape or form?
Nope.
Why?
Well, if i'm going i'm leaving nobody behind, nor are you. I'm also not going to be eating my bloody dog either.

This is of course if any of this does happen.</sup>


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The Future of Social Networking.

Facebook may be starting to see a trend of users using its site less than they did before. Some of the most common reasons are-

Invasion of Privacy
Restrictive Practice
Slow practice of dealing with personal attacks
Protection of its Members

However, the most common reason seems to be its size.
Smaller Social Networking sites are beginning to thrive using different platforms such as Ning which now has various packages for various open Social Networking sites. Facebook makes its revenue from advertising and the selling of its data to various markets and last year made over a billion dollars. Thats how people pay for Facebook, it's not free, it's like selling your soul a little to gain access to its site.

Smaller sites like Fuzzies Playground are beginning to pop up, some using Adsense to pay their way, some charging to niche members an annual fee to pay for servers and bandwidth. These are becoming more and more popular due to the fact that memberships of these sites are controlable in ways that Facebook can only dream of.

Sites like Fuzzies Playground use Paypal to verify membership meaning that fake accounts and spammers are kept out of the site as are trolls and internet spoilers. People seem to forget that the internet is a pretty lawless place without many guidelines and in many views too little restriction.

Sites like this also tend to control their data one way, so anything data wise that comes in is kept in and not sold on to marketing companies which can only be good for its members. So, should we embrace these smaller sites or stick with the established giant that is Facebook? Well, Facebook has its place, it grows because of it's simplicity but more and more members are craving something a little more niche, little more sophisticated as they pass the Social Networking learning curve.

So, has Facebook had it's day? I very much doubt it. But, I do feel that big changes are due.

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Fuzzies World

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One man has gone mad in Cumbria.

I guess it's some thing that say's something about us all, in fact i'm surprised it doesn't happen more often.......... a man has gone completely off his trolley in Cumbria and killed 12 people and injuring many others.

It's a sad, sad situation, but it is what it is.

The media however have a lot to answer for.
Initially brought into the fold by the police to make people aware of Derrick Bird's turkey shoot as he drove around looking for people to shoot at, sometimes randomly, sometimes heading for specific targets. I'm kind of surprised that the B.B.C. didn't manage to follow him live, constant shots of bodies covered in blankets just to bring the the whole horror live to your living room.
Interviews with anyone passing were beamed live into the living rooms of the old and very young off school over the half term period.

Was it sensationalised?
Of course it was, SKY News, B.B.C. and I.T.N. were falling over themselves to bring us the latest horror, the latest news of another blanket strewn body.
Was I drawn in by it all?
Of course I was, car crash t.v. brings in mass viewers, moreso if it's live.
On 9/11 i couldn't move from the t.v. just in case another raghead had managed to hijack another plane and managed to ground it the wrong way up in Disneyland.
Same with 7/7 bombings in London, I spent another day tied up with the main news channels watching not in horror but out of morbid curiosity the unfolding of another mass attempt at the taking of human life, live as it happened from the comfort and safety of my own living room.

So, what am I trying to say?
Well, just because the media can, should they sensationalise every single detail of these tragedies?
I wonder how the families feel seeing this unfold beamed around the world with no thought for them, not knowing if that's their wife, husband or child laying under that blanket, or on that plane/train or bus. Or even worse, knowing.

But then, that's the voice in your head telling you it's wrong to watch.
Problem is it that other voice telling you to sit there, horrified, because that real danger that's happening right in front of your eyes could be you and you just can't help but watch.
So, really, should we blame for the media for showing you the world as it is or you for watching it.

Top right hand button on the remote control = Off Button.

If theres is one upside to this tragedy and there shouldn't be, I was chatting to a prison warden I see daily when walking our dogs. He works at Wakefield Prison, they are currently holding Stephen Griffiths, the self monickered "Crossbow Killer".
"He's gone off on one because he's not the main topic of news, been going off on rants and refusing to eat."
Maybe the media could oblige. Instead of interviewing his neighbours who in comments that don't really come as a surprise described him as a "Loner" they should interview him, show the real horror of a man bent on outrageous, sadistic and often chilling murders.


Godspeed to all those souls who lost their lives on the 2nd of June.

Masturbating Teenagers

I can think of nothing worse than a moping, spotty, foul tempered, smelly, sexually frustrated, undriven, skint and often drunken teenager as an example of humanity. I really can't. Even cannibals, sex offenders and politicians have some kind of drive and use.
But a teenager with no job, no money and no prospects is a sad sight.

In the UK we have teenage unemployment at a near all time high, almost 20% of the age group 16-24 a number that has been steadily rising since 2002 and is still climbing.
Thats a lot of smelly feet, a lot of untapped energy. In short thats a lot of Masterbating Teenagers.
It also attributes to a lot of crime, including drug taking, mugging , anti-sociable behaviour, sex offences and even more masterbation.

So, what can we do with them?
The Labour government decided to try and make them all stay in higher education, withdrawing most of their benefits if they couldn't find employment. With the education system at breaking point and the low level of education kids get today, (Yes, i'll say it. Between Offsted sticking it's nose in, SATS and letting kids get away with murder in schools the expectation of what can and what should be taught has changed massively in the last 20 years. Bring back the cane, fuck it, it's the 21st century, give Teachers Tazer's, that'll make the little fuckers attentive when they get back up off the floor,) there arent many prospects for the "Young, Dumb and full of Cum" generations.

So, what do other countries do?
Austria, the Russians, Chinks, Mexicans, Norwegians, Greeks, Israeli's and even the Germans, (Dont mention the war, but to give them their due they're pretty good at getting people marching in a straight line) still have National Service in one form or another.
As far as I know none of these countries has serious anti-social problems with their young.
Nor in Sweden, South Korea or even Turkey that also still has compulsory Military Service.

The Conservative government is going to be rolling out a new scheme, National Citizen Service.
A scheme aimed at school-leavers and i'm guessing under achievers that have nothing to do with their time.

A few sound bites from David Cameron.

"'A lot of time and effort has gone into making it a reality - and I think it will be one of the proudest legacies of a future Conservative government.

''I want to see a programme which engages young people and gives them a sense of purpose, optimism and belonging. Something like National Service.

''Not military, not compulsory but universal and in the same spirit.

''A residential programme, so young people have time to live together, work together, play together. Time for them to get to know each other.

''And, most of all, time for them to develop as a person.

''It's going to mix young people from different backgrounds, different ethnicities and religions, in a way that doesn't happen right now. It's going to teach them what it means to be socially responsible by asking them to serve their communities.

''Above all it's going to help a generation of young people to appreciate what they can achieve. For themselves and by themselves. Gandhi put it beautifully, as he did so often: 'the best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others'.''

He will add: ''We must all come together to do more about the national scandal of all this wasted promise. We owe it to the next generations.

''Our ambition is that over time, every 16-year-old will take part. This is about sowing the seeds of the Big Society - and seeing them thrive in the years to come.''

Does sound good doesn't it? Does it? I have to be honest, i'm not entirely sold, sounds like a big holiday sponsered by the tax payers to me, even more money being taken from the coffers to sponsor kids I dont have to do fuck all for a while. Saying that, they do say a change is as good as a rest, so it seems our young unemployed are going to go for a "rest" somewhere else. Fucking great.

I find that teenagers in a group become even more annoying, even more full of their self importance, sadly even smellier. Look at the outdoor music festivals. Groups of youngsters thrown together and in the end just do what they do at home, drink, take drugs, listen to music, avoid washing and fuck each other like Minks, aiding with the highest teenage pregnancy problem in Europe.

So, if you ask me, bring back proper National Service, even if it just teaches them some pride, something this country has long lacked, because in my view if this new initiative takes off were going to be paying through our taxes for more than a nice holiday for the young unemployed. If nothing else it'll teach the smelly fuckers how to keep themselves clean.

Dear Tories.

...sorry we spent all the money.

Have a nice Day.
New Labour.

Facebook

The sad fact is, I used to have a Facebook account.
I know, I know. Well, I know now.

I have a fair few friends who live their lives through Fuckbook and Twatter, updating their status everytime they have a piss or a cup of tea. They join groups like " John down the road is a cunt because he has a Mini" 33 members or "Spunk Floats" 45 members.
I had a few like "WankBreak" and

The Masterbation Appreciation Society

of which I was particularly proud. 64 members. Literally. Sadly has now been cloned by some spunk monkey that nicked my idea.
So, there you go, that pretty much seems to sum up Facebook. Or does it?
In between people tending to their digital farms, pets and having digital wars with other mafia factions there is something quite disturbing about the whole thing.
Lets leave the massive hole security issues for another blog because what I want to talk about is how Facebook changes the psychology of those that use it. I have one mate that has over 4000 friends on there. I'm pretty sure that out of that 4000+ he knows about 20 of them, the rest are digital avatars that tend to project a false projection of themselves to all that listen.
The nerds become Rambo's.
The poor become self employed.
The frigid become nympho's.

You can see where this is going can't you, doesn't need me to hammer it home by spelling it out.
And in that, it's not a good thing. At all.
Walter Mitty rules enough of the internet as it is, without getting his teeth into the semi real world that is the world's biggest social networking site.
The problem is, this new found bravado found by those is slowly seeping into the real world and people are actually beginning to believe what they've made themselves in cyberspace is pretty much what they are in the real world, and comments like "Dont fuck with me dickhead, i've got 2346 friends and you pick on me again and we'll start a group against you" are surely going to get you tied feet first to the back of a van and what's left boiled in a vat of hot piss.
It doesn't really transfer very well to the real world where I can guarantee when this happens your new found bravery is going to get you a nice, neatly packaged punch in the throat at the very least.

So, my advice, stop being self absorbed and get a life again, theres only so much masterbation and pretence that the internet can take.
It's not much better in the real world mind you, but look at it this way, you'll get some fucking fresh air and might not get the kickin' your new ego is setting you up for. That goes for you and your 400,000,000 friends. Meh.

What's on your mind?
Fuck you Facebook, that's what's on my mind.

Brokeback Beagle

I'm the proud owner of a Beagle. Yes I am.
I'm the proud owner of a, well, to put it bluntly a "Gay Beagle".
I've had my surrogate son now for nearly 3 years and in all that time he has brought me nothing but joy.

From the day I picked him up at 8 weeks and he managed to shit through a hole in the side of his transport cage and leave a smell so bad in the car I couldn't remove it, to the point where he began his lifelong struggle to eat the kitchen from the bottom up, chewing on the expensive oak cupboard doors to relieve either boredom or teething issues.

Oh yes, this inbetween "doing" his glands every few days on the sofa next to me which brings more than a tear to my eye to digging holes in the garden to bury anything from a bit of grass to a toy he's fallen out with. ( The whereabouts of a cuddly squirrel to this day is slowly becoming nothing more than a "cold case" although before it's dissapearance I did find a black plastic eye on the floor in the hallway and what looked to be a chewed plastic nose. Stan the squirrel is M.I.A.)

This morning I found the head of Elvis's toy meerkat, Compo at the top of the stairs, his hollowed out torso lay dormant in the kitchen over night, showing the scars of a battle lost, including a chewed up leg. To this day one of the few toys he still likes to play with is a plastic frog who I refer to as Dennis (Hopper) and has so far managed to make it through the last 2 years with nothing more than a deformed nose and a chewed bottom. But even Dennis knows, none of his toys are safe. Elvis runs his toy box with Hard Regime like selfishness and at any point during the day any toy could be plucked from silence into a world of Beagle nastiness only known to a certain few foxes that have survived the anger of a bored beagle.

But this is by the by.
Of late I have been delighted to find that Elvis has began to start cocking his leg rather than squatting for a pee. I became overjoyed that my boy was now growing up and his bad ways were slowly going to become a thing of the past.
Saying that, a new issue has become apparent.
Elvis isn't straight. Sexually. He's not even a bit metrosexual but in my eyes has become a full on cock-knocker, the beagle equivalent of Rock Hudson. It doesn't come as quite a shock though, everything my dog does seems to go against the grain, even his OCD patterns of distress when he's taking a piss in the garden. Maybe it's my fault for having his bits chopped off at 9 months, I dont know.

Well, he's gay, nothing to worry about then. Or so you'd think.
A few weeks ago we were in the park and Elvis was playing with one of the usual dogs that he runs around with when out of the corner of my eye I saw my dog mount the face of this Staffordshire Bull terrier called Manny, front legs wrapped around this poor dogs head so it couldn't move, until about 5 seconds later Elvis yelped with a sudden dismount of his victim and ran over to me as fast as he could. On closer inspection I found he had his foreskin slightly torn, all I could think was "Serves you right, it's not the done thing in public places".

So, off to El Vetto, the Spanish vet that treats Elvis.
"How he do this?"
Well, all I can say is Pedro found it highly fucking amusing, recounting a tale of a stray dog he knew in his old town that used to rape other male dogs, all of this really didnt make me feel any better, I felt even worse when the bill for 2 stitches and some anti-biotics came to nearly £200 so I neatly rounded up that number by purchasing Elvis a new cuddly victim for being a good boy when he was having his knob sewn back together.

Sat thinking about this the other day led me to this conclusion.
Do I love him any less? No.
Would I change him in any way at all? No.
Would I prefer not to pay £200 every time he mounts a dogs face?
Think that one goes without saying, don't you?