Monday 10 October 2011

Who's in Charge?

I want to ask the question that's on everyone's lips.

"Who the fuck is in charge around here? Really, take a seat, i'd like to have a word."

I mean, come on. Last week after the Governments around Europe rallied around looking for pennies down the back of the sofa to bail out Greece, yet again the markets looked their worst for over 3 years. This has made everyone jittery, bankers running around like headless chickens trying to work out what to do to stop it in between trying to work out the next best way to embezzle what's left.

Greater minds think the whole thing is on the verge of collapse, an entire world economy trying to survive using a business model that's three quarters of a century old. It's looking entirely bleak. Some other great minds are aware of certain sections of investors trying to push the system into collapse which isn't taking much effort on their part, and no, this isn't some "Area 51" conspiracy theory we're talking about here, people who examine the intricacies of the stock market for a living have been observing this behaviour for some time and are powerless to do anything about it. Why? The economic banking structure and governments are tied together in some over complicated knot that has taken over 75 years to seal. The balance of economic power sits virtually equal between the banks and the worlds governments. In fact a better analogy would be to say the banks and the governments are sitting together in one giant game of Jenga right now, start pulling pieces out and the whole thing will collapse.

Last week the Conservatives held their annual party, still spouting that we're "All in this together." Well, i still think a lot of us are in it a lot more that others. It's easy to spout rhetoric about "Paying off your debts" when you have a wallet you carry around in a helicopter, it's a bit more difficult when you've just lost your job, or your job is on the chopping board.

Now. A solution to this intertwined problem of paying our debts and looming unemployment would be for the government to begin lending money to small businesses, cut a lot of the red tape the rest of the world doesn't have to endure and start seeding our "Jobs Garden." It's not rocket surgery and even to a small child with the I.Q. of your average Minister in Parliament it makes very good sense. However, in an act that can only be described and "Monumentally Retarded", last week Mervin King, head of the Bank of England decided to do a little more "Quantitive Easing."
£75 Billion pumped back into the economy to stave off another recession. If the solution to the problem is just to print more money, hell, i'll take £5 Million, i'm not greedy. Really, Paypal it to me and i'll set a new record on Ebay for spending within a 24 hour period.

Will it work? No. Why not? It didn't work 3 years ago when he pumped £200 million back into the economy. All it's doing is giving the banks something to try to grab back out of the economy, selling the tax payer crap bonds and bad debt. Does it help the small businessman trying to get investment? No, the banks will continue to hold onto what ever they have with a lead fist. The amount poured back into the economy in the UK was the equivalent of about £4500 per adult over the age of 18. The previous £200 Billion was about £17,000 per person over the age of 18 in "real terms." I'm pretty sure if people had that money in their pockets they would be spending it, not holding on to what in the long run is going to be worthless bits of paper "promising to pay the ...."
The economy would bloom more if people were spending, because let's face it, saving right now isn't worth the waste of time checking your bank account to look at the 0.5% you made last year on £300 you've been hanging on to in case of emergencies.

I recently looked at Ed Ball's 5 point plan. He's my local MP. I do wonder if anyone let's him choose what's for dinner in his home when he's not in the city. Really, how these retard's ever get as far as they do within Government really amazes me.

Anyway, i digress.
What's the upshot of all this?
We're fucked. With a giant "F" with all the trimmings.
For those that think the economy will find it's settlement point, forget it. 20 years ago, yes. 2011, no.

So, like i said, who's in charge? Could you please step forward, i have a slap across the face for you and a giant reality check.

Saturday 16 April 2011

My Little Guilty Pleasure.

They call him TechnoViking.
Nobody knows who he is.

Thursday 24 February 2011

As the number of unemployed school leavers rises.




A leading Government think tank member was quoted recently as saying " We've ran out of ideas of what to do with them. To be honest, the general concensus is to make them keep their bedrooms tidy and watch daytime t.v in an effort to depress them into finding work, even if it's a job at Mc Donalds or KFC."



In a recent street poll amongst 16-18 year old unemployed males in the Gloucester area, when asked what they were doing to find employment the top answer "Fuck off mush i'm carrying," only narrowly gained the top spot over " Hey chavy, is that an iPhone, can i have a look," which tied equal with "Lend us a quid".



John Beard from the National Insitute of Interfering said "Well, those polls only show that our teenage unemployed don't lack attitude, cunning or enterprise, but the problem remains. Maybe we she bring back National Service, didn't do my grandfather any harm. He died when he was 23 in the war, was never a burden on society financially and i'm guessing nobody ever saw him drunk on cheap cider on anyones street corner."




And it's not just the young men, young women seem to be struggling with the high unemployment issue too. Deborah Scabies ,16 and from Peckham decided to take matters into her own hands. "I got my boyfriend Clifton to get me pregnant innit. I wont be leaving school with any qualifications or job prospects, so i've decided to be a single mum. Looking at the jobs market out there it was a easy choice and a few of my mates are doin it too, except for Danni, she's goona struggle 'cause she's got chlamydia innit."



So, there we have it.

Wednesday 23 February 2011

Wednesday 16 February 2011

A Product Review.

It's not often I lose my temper with technology. OK,that's a lie. It happens daily. For example, before Christmas I treated myself to a new keyboard, the Logitech Wave. It's meant to be perfect for writers or people that produce a lot of copy. Yes, I got that from their website, but hey, I did my homework. I went on other websites to find reviews, and this keyboard came out tops in every review.

I want to go on record now and say it. "You lying Fuckers."

This keyboard in the space of 2-3 months as removed my ability to spell, cost me more time than you can imagine correcting missed keylogs, I spent hours trying to configure the special keys, none of which worked with any of the drivers it came with or the drivers I downloaded from Logitechs website which mainly changed the format for foreign keyboards, which once you're in a foreign format makes it a fucker to get back out of. Its pretty impossible when you can't use your "@" key.

To be frank, it went out of it's way to do fuck all I wanted it to do. And in that I realised something, that fucking keyboard was part of a small gang of technology that surrounds me on a daily basis that refuses to do as it's told. For example, lets look at my Kodak printer, the latest in a line of printers i've gone through over the years that after a while decides it's not going to put up with my demands any more and would rather go live in the garage. My latest printer sometimes refuses to print, it sometimes refuses to connect via wifi, it sometimes tells me it's out of ink, and when I check, a lack of ink isn't an issue. It sulks, it acts like a 14 year old boy. Yesterday I decided to print out 4 pages of copy for something i've been writing, this took me 2 hours, I could've written it by hand in that time. Firstly it refused to admit it had any paper in the tray, the bloody thing was at the side of me, so I knew it was lying. Next it decided to take 3 pieces of paper at one time and then decided it had bitten off more than it could chew. So, it was down to me to get it out. So, after I had removed the paper from its guts I pressed "Print" again. It then told me again it had no paper in it's tray. Lying shitbag. I could see it had at least 10 sheets, if it had eyes it could see I was sat next to it. After a bit of slapping around, a few more hits of the "Print" button , some more choking on fresh paper it eventually decided to give up and print the fucking pages.

It's not good. I have a stereo that refuses to find the wifi in the house, where nearly every other gadget in house is linked to it. I have a landline that refuses to take every message, just the odd one. Why? It's a fucking phone, that's it's job. Whats wrong with it? It's not like it's too fucking busy to take a message is it........


Yes, tech hates me, but I've found one thing that that seems to fix it. Hate it back, give it a good beating. 9 times out of 10 it fixes all tech ills.

Friday 28 January 2011

Sometimes, you're best off avoiding the spin and having a smile.



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Thursday 27 January 2011

Ooops.

Well, yesterday I took a day off from my diet and decided to order a pizza from Domino's . Pepperoni Passion, large on a Dominator base...... because that's the way I roll.
When I finished choosing my pizza I was directed to payments where it asked , "Any special delivery instructions?"
Yes after last times ruination of my order when the sent me a bottle of diet drink instead of something with sugar in it.

So, I left a message in the box and pressed send.



"Please dont send me diet cock like last time." Freuds revenge or a genuine spelling error, you decide.

Wednesday 26 January 2011

Snap

The Bank of England's governor Mervyn King reckons it's going to be a bleak foreseable future for us, here, on our fair isle.A mixture of low pay rises, higher percentage rate increases are going to squeeze us that little bit harder. So, the price of things are going up, and we have less money to pay for them. O.K? With me so far?

Now, that's stating the obvious a bit, so lets just add in some other things to the mix.
* A tightening on council spending with massive reductions across the board.
* Pay freezes across the public sector.
* Increases in the price of gas, electric, petrol and diesel.
* Food price increases and the increase of VAT to 20%.
* Benefits cuts and cuts to Social Care.

A lot of this was mentioned last year and in true British style we chose to ignore it 'til it landed and we would deal with it then. Well, it's landed.
And don't think the interest on your savings are going to help you either. Walking past a well know building society the other day the window proudly boasted " Tax Free Savings". Great. Tax Free on just over 1%, where do I sign up. Let's be honest, we're better off keeping it under the matress, it's safer there.
So, most of us are going to struggle to make ends meet. I can live with that.
What I can't live with is a certain group of people who's ends meet like a mother fucker, yes, i'm talking about "Bankers."

We need to face up to the fact that while on the surface it looks like the government has a hand over them, it's also a fact the the hand they have over them is open and awaiting handouts.
An evil we are told is a neccessary one. Is it? Are you sure?
Let's face it, the banking industry is nothing more than a money making club, all based on a pyramid scheme. (Pyramid Schemes being illegal in any other industry)
I don't fear the banking industry fucking off abroad for one minute. 8 months after Vince Cable promised to get the banking fraternity back to lending to small businesses nothing as happened and it's business as usual at HSBC, Lloyds, Barclays, Royal Wank of Scotland et al where a couple of weeks ago it was disclosed that the multi billion pound bonus culture was still alive and kicking, and where it couldn't be circumnavigated, wage increases were put in place.
And what are they getting bonuses for? Yeah, you know.

Do you remember the riots that spread across the country in the 80's?
Well, they're going to be making a comeback over the next year or so.
And don't think they're going to be like the old word of mouth and printed leaflet affairs back then, oh no, they're so last century. This time around they'll be organised on facebook and twitter and I fear more than a smashing of windows and the odd fire in the street will be on the agenda.

But don't worry, the frontline services won't be there to stop you, they're facing cuts too. In fact, this time around you may be standing side by side with a police officer, an ambulance driver or a fireman. All have seen their work conditions and wages change drastically over the past few years.

So, at what point are you going to Snap?

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Tuesday 25 January 2011

The Free Lunch

So,here's the thing.

You build your social network, it's free, has no advertising, no malware, virus's, idiots and did I mention it was for free? FREE............ just in case you didn't hear me at the back. "But why is it free? How do you make your money?" they ask.
"Well", I reply, "i'm not in it for the money".
And then it goes quiet.................. "I don't get it, why would it be free? Is it a scam? How does it make money to support itself?"

And here lies the biggest problem facing anyone trying to build an independant social network and promoting it to people they don't know, or at least, don't know them.
People always cite Facebook, because they "trust" Facebook and "Facebook is free." Is it? It's so far from being a Free Lunch it's shocking.
Even getting people to look at your site before they join is a problem. People just don't trust links to sites unless it's something they've come across themselves. It has a "spam" feel to it, or they just feel like they are being cohersed.

So, I set up a Facebook Fanpage to promote my site.
Does it work? NO. I have more people on my Fanpage than my Network, why? I have no idea.
The fanpage is updated daily, do they jump on board? No. ( In my head i'm screaming "It's fr*ggin' free, what's the problem?")
Do those on the site use it? Yes, daily and they love it.
Can they get friends to join? No.
Why? the just have trust issues with sites that aren't Facebook or it's just a monumental effort to join. It must be.

So, while i'm on a roll, here's another point i've noticed.

My last site was a pay site, it was on Social Go. (This was until Social Go decided to go mental, introduce a new "Activity Feed" which didn't actually let you know when something was happening in the Groups, and the site thrived on it's Group Activity and it died a nasty death.)
Initially, the site was free. People would join up, post nude pics of themselves, treat members like they owned them and just generally gave me a lot of work to do.
So, I flipped it to being a pay site.
For the sake of less than a £1 a month fee, it killed that behaviour dead overnight.
The site became self moderating, it ran a nice little profit and all was good.
Yes I lost over half my members, but happily it was the members the site didn't want.
The moral of this is if someone pays for something, they look after it, if it's for free, they treat it like it's free.

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Monday 24 January 2011

Save the planet, have a wank.

In the late 1960's the planets population was approx 3.8 billion people. As of the end of this year it's estimated the planets population will be around the 7 billion people mark. Now, in my lifetime the amount of men , women and celebrities on this planet has doubled.

DOUBLED.

So, that's another 3.5 billion people to feed, clothe, house and find jobs for.
It's also a stress on the world economy.
In 1893 and again in the 1920's/1930's America had to battle its way out of 2 depressions. Mass unemployment, a weak dollar and some bad years for the farming community led to some dark years for the old US of A. Hoovervilles (Shanty towns named after president Hoover) sprung up all over America, hnger marches became common place and if it hadn't of been for the intervention of some of the countries biggest industrialists they may still be in the shit now, the economists at the time failing to find a solution to the problem.

And the Yanks weren't the only ones in the shit.
Here in England we were having it a bit rough too as was the rest of the world.
The problem with economics is this, the models on which the economy bases itself is a constantly changing animal, the minute you think you have it sussed the goalposts move and as any economist will tell you, the biggest mover is the population where in you can predict what it is, but not on how it will impact everything else.

Forget asteroids hitting us, forget natural disasters, forget Simon Cowell. THE biggest threat to this little ball we live on at this moment in time is over population. The damage it causes is far reaching, affecting not only the economy, but food resources, the rapid consumption of fossil fuels and the mass depleation of the rain forests. All this to feed, clothe, house and add a box and napkin to your McDonalds family meal.
By 2050, the time that your babies will be my age now, it's estimated that the world population will be around 10 billion. Fossil fuels will be depleated, and I fear we are going to enter a new dark era of depression.  One that makes the depressions before look like playtime, because when the oil's gone it's going to be a whole new world of struggle I assure you. What we need is time to let the scientists to catch up with a solution to a replacement to fossil fuels, one that's economical and sustainable because at the rate were going it's going to run out quicker than anybody thought.

So, next time the misses gets a bit broody and mentions having another window licker to keep her company along with the other two, stop, think and have a wank.

For now, it may just give us the time we need to breathe. Forget going green, go white.

Trust me, it's going to save the planet in the long run.

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Sunday 16 January 2011

Can I help you?


Now, there can't be much worse than returning to your car to find that someone is trying to steal it. And if you're feeling pretty helpless because you don't know what to do, or are scared, your only option is to ring 999.

But.............................. not in Seattle.

In Seattle they have Phoenix Jones.

Recently he came to the aid of a chap who only wanted to be identified as "Dan" when he was in such a predicament. Say's Dan, 'This guy comes dashing in, wearing this skin-tight rubber, black and gold suit, and starts chasing him away.'

He also admitted to not wanting to own up to this encounter to his friends just in case they thought he was pissed at the time.

Phoenix Jones believe it or not, works in a comic shop. Yep, he's a cliche. He's also not alone with his crime fighting pals , Thorn, Buster Doe, Green Reaper, Gemini, No Name, Catastrophe, Thunder 88 and Penelope.

This group of masked vigliantes are known to the Seattle police too

Police department spokesman Jeff Kappel said: 'There's nothing wrong with citizens getting involved with the criminal justice process - as long as they follow it all the way through.'

Phoenix has pointed out though that this isn't something that everybody should be doing. Oh no.

'Everyone on my team either has a military background or a mixed martial arts background, and we're well aware of what it costs to do what we do'

He also added that they had informed the local police to ignore Captain Ozone and the Knight Owl becuse they're not part of his little band of Merry Men. Obviously splitters.
And dont let the suit fool you. It incorporates a kevlar vest and high impact trauma padding around sensitive areas, he also carries a Tazer stun bar which looks like a cattle prod, some Mace and is probably armed with some pretty well rehearsed quips.
I think it's great. Well great until one of these vigilantes gets shot in the face.
But here's the thing, at least they're standing up for something, fighting to clean up their community and in that i applaud them. Even if it's a bit of self serving publicity. Even if they end up on Good Morning America. I still think it's a good thing.
Yesterday I helped one of my old age pensioner neighbours in with her shopping. And I held the door open for someone at the barbers.
Maybe there's a bit of Superhero in all of us.
Only difference is, i'm not going to dress up like a cunt to be one. And neither should you.

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