B and Q.

Over the years i've tried to avoid B & Q like the plague, mainly down to the way it is staffed.
A few years ago when I was fitting out my bathroom I had the honour of finding the only person operating a till asleep, slouched over his workstation, out as they say, cold.
When I woke him he seemed as shocked to see me as I did to see him wipe the sleep dribble away from the side of his face.
"Sorry mate, rough night innit".
Where the "Innit" came from I dont know, but I wasn't best pleased.
On pointing this out to the manager, and after he reviewed the video footage of his snoring staff member an argument broke out in which I was referred to as a Wanker and the manager was referred to as a useless prick. Well, he was right in one part, however, I dont and have never taken kindly to being called a wanker and pointed this out to the "useless prick" before "Sleepy" removed his orange apron, threw it on the floor and stormed out of the store.
Mr Prick stood there and nodded his head.
"Can't get the staff".
Just to say, I did leave the store with £90's worth of free stuff, but still, Wanker? Me? Tut.

On a visit last year I got to the front of the queue to find that my item had no barcode on it.
"This doesnt have a barcode on, will have to get someone to get me a price. How much was it?".
"I have no idea" I replied, "not working here and all".
"No worries, i'll just get someone to get a price".
A bit of Tannoy work and some flashing lights later and a young man of "Sleepy's" ilk sloped to the till and was asked to get a price on the item, and off he went at sub snail speed. Eight minutes later he returned.
"Cant find it" he said, and turning to me he asked " do you know how much it was?" At which point I left the store and went online to purchase it.

Yesterday with a certain trepidation I returned to B & Q for the first time in over a year.
Now, to my joy the till operatives have been replaced with self scan units that talk to you in English, which is a step forward in itself.
"Please scan your first item". It said.
I did.
Then placed it in the scanned area as requested.
"Please scan your first item", it requested once again.
"Please place item in the bag".
What fucking bag?
"Please place item in the bag".
At which point a a young chap came across.
"They're a bit tempermental mate, its not scanned the price. Any idea how much it was?"

Progress eh?

The Cooking Equation.

Apparently nowadays men need to be able to cook.
Yes, I know, it's a sad day when a MAN is forced into the kitchen to produce something that a lady might want to eat, but that's the way things are.
So, after taking a gander at the wives of Ramsey, Oliver, Martin et al, I thought venturing into the kitchen may have been something I had missed.
(Even the Hairy Bikers are getting laid, who'd have thought?)

So, with a new found respect for the culinary arts I ventured into some cooking today, but decided to have a go at my own recipe.
If your on a diet, have high blood pressure, on statins or Warfarin, you might not want to read the rest of this post. BE WARNED.

So, after spending the morning at my local Sainsbury i returned with the following items.

1 12 inch square by 2 and a half inches deep white lasagne dish.
2 packets of small skinless sausage.
2 packets of smokey rindless bacon.
3 tins of Heinz baked beans.
1 packet of button mushrooms.
1 packet of lasagne sheets.
1 bulb of garlic.
1 500gm packet of Monteray Jack grated cheese.
1 jar of extra cheesey lasagne white sauce.

Recipe.

Take the bacon and cut into strips approx 1 centimetre wide by 50 long.
Next take the sausages and cut them into 20mm lengths.
Wash the shit off the mushrooms and chop roughly.
Take 2 cloves of garlic and crush using your garlic press, ( Fucking thing cost me £7.99)
Take Wok and throw in some cooking oil, and heat, then throw your chopped ingredients into the wok and let brown of lightly. Add in one cloves worth of your crushed garlic.
Open your tins of beans and cover the bottom of your dish with one tin and then a layer of lasagne.
Next add in a layer of your mushroom, sausage and bacon garlic mix.
Ad infinitum until you've run out of beans and mix.
Add the other crushed clove to your white sauce mix then top your lasagne with white sauce and place in a pre-heated oven at 200c ( I think) for 45 minutes.
Remove lasagne from oven and then top off with the Monteray Jack and place back into the oven for 15 minutes or until golden brown.

Remove from oven and let stand for 20 minutes then serve.
So then, that's it.
My recipe for Breakfast Lasagne. Daddies brown sauce seemed made for this recipe. Fuckin' yummy.

And dont ruin it with a ponsey Wine, eat with a nice warm Mackeson stout.

Cooks, chefs, I fuck 'em.
Bon appetite.

The God Complex.

I was recently told by a local P.C.S.O. that he saw me speeding. Tracking me down after some major investigation mainly asking my next door neighbour if she owned a red VW Golf Gti and after watching me drive 70 metres from where he spotted me driving into a cul-de-sac he knocked on my door.
No cameras were produced and his evidence that I was speeding was that I overcut a corner to drive into where I live, a corner that is usually littered with cars parked on pavements and where usually I have to do some creative driving to avoid anyone leaving their residences.
Repeatedly I pointed out that I wasn't speeding.
Repeatedly, without proof he told me that I was and that he could have me arrested for calling him a few choice words.
Eventually he fucked off as it was obvious that he was getting nowhere and this was down to the fact he had the intelligence of a Mudskipper and the looks of a Stork. Well , maybe if I hadn't have laughed at the way he looked as much I wouldnt have got a letter through the post 4 days later in the form of a formal warning about my driving.
For driving I guess.
Apparently if I get another one of these in the next 12 months they can seize my car. Good luck with that.
But heres the thing.
Had a read up about the requirements for his job. Can you spot anything lacking here?

• There are no minimum or maximum height requirements
• There is no formal educational requirement
• The minimum joining age is 18 and all police staff must retire at 65
• We maintain a strict tattoo policy. Each tattoo is judged individually and you must provide photographs with your application
• If you have a current Individual Voluntary Agreement (IVA) or current County Court Judgment (CCJ) then you cannot apply. If you have previously been declared bankrupt, then you would need to have this discharged for a minimum of 3 years prior to applying to us.
• We are committed to making what reasonable adjustments are possible, to enable people with disabilities, including dyslexia, to be an effective member of Essex Police. We need to be aware of any disabilities to ensure we can make any adjustments you may require during the recruitment process. We have an active Disability Support Network incorporating a Dyslexia Liaison Group which works hard to support all officers and staff with disabilities or caring commitments.

So, the way I see it, anyone can get a job doing this. Except me, I have a tattoo of a panther on my right arm and in a situation where I had to tear my clothes off, the image of the big cat might scare small children.
However, the fact the you cant read, write, have limbs missing, cant see, hear or speak shouldn't hold you back.
I'm all for people moving their way up in society, but i'm going out on a limb here, (my own limb) and may I suggest that some of the kids you used to give the occasional kick-in at school might just have moved into one of these jobs and are now seeking revenge for the fact that they used to get beaten up because they were deaf, blind, dumb, could play pinball well or were just twats.

I'm all for every village having to have an idiot, however, I draw the line when you give them any power beyond their understanding.

Fucked For Life.

Alistair Darling ( For the purpose of this Blog, read Cunt.) yesterday said in his pre budget speech that the heaviest burden of the national debt will be placed on the shoulders of the middle classes. Again.
What is this man on?
So, I'm to assist with paying once again for this Governments total FUBAR of the economy and it's undying mission to drive this country to its knees. If Britain was an animal right now you'd have it put to sleep. Yes, were in that bad a shape.
In a bid to make us all feel better about the banking crisis the Chancellor said that all banking bonuses would undergo a one off 50% tax. Woopyfuyckin'do. Within minutes of that statement being made the banking community had worked out 50 ways to bypass this tax, one thats going to be almost impossible to enforce and one that the banks say will only drive the banking talent abroad. Really? That'll be a big loss then. The money,(If recovered) will be used to help the unemployed back into work, oddly into jobs that dont exist.
If this wasn't an election year what measures would Mr.Cunt have taken to sort this country out?
The Irish pre-budget report yesterday showed us what is to come and it doesnt paint a pretty picture at all. This in reality is the shape of things to come and unless somebody stands up and says "well, were in deep shit, we really need to knuckle down and tighten a few belts" soon, were going to be driven into further financial decline.
The Governments own ThinkTank puts it another way.
For every £6 Labour is spending, we only have £5 its as simple as that. Cuts need to be made to stop us getting further into a downward spiral. In 5 years time it is reckoned this country will be in debt to the tune of 1.5 Trillion Pounds. In the writen word it doesnt equate very well, but be prepared to be shocked . This is what it looks like in numbers.

£1,5oo,ooo,ooo,ooo

Now, that's how deep a pile of shit we're estimated to be in 5 years from now.

Well, there is some good news.
Bingo duty will be dropped from 22% to 20% in the 2010 budget.
Not that you'll have time to play Bingo, you'll be too busy working. If you still have a job.

Writer's Block.

3-10-2009

So.
Where to start.

Well, for years now friends and people that have crossed my path have told me I should write a book, or at least consider it. Those that know me know I haven't got a Harry Potter in me, maybe i should rephrase that last comment, know that any book I write isn't going to be in anyway escapist.

So, after nearly no thought at all i've decided to throw myself into this full on and go for it.
Every day, a new blog.

So.
Here's to tomorrow.

No pressure then.